SPOILERS WITHIN

Let’s see where this weeks episode takes us on the emotional spectrum, shall we? Thus far, this has been a season strange casting decisions and one GIGANTIC “What in the actual fuck?” moment, this one quite a bit to live up to. Let’s do this.

And we’re right back to the end of last weeks episode, with Joffery’s stupid dead face staring at us. After a week of letting it rattle around in my head, I still think that it’s one of the funnier things I’ve seen on this show. Maybe I’m just that messed up that seeing the dead, bloated face of a fourteen year old boy amuses me, or this character was so evilly written and portrayed that it’s one of the best deaths in TV history. Or it’s something in between. Yeah, it’s probably something in between.

Sansa is being rushed away from the scene by the knight turned jester while Tyrion is arrested on the order of the (rightfully) pissed off Cersei and Tywin. Sansa and the fool, Dontos for those of you who can actually keep names straight, end up on the rocks before getting into a rowboat and shoving off into the harbor. Because after I see the King of the Realm violently die and have my husband be accused of killing him, there’s nothing more that I want to do than go for a nice boat ride.  Anyway, the row through the fog and come across and fittingly creepy ship where they find Littlefinger himself waiting. Petyr asks Dontos if he’d like his payment, which he promptly delivers: two crossbow bolts to the face. We’re five minutes into the episode and we’ve got two casualties. That’s gotta be some kind of record for this show. Normally they at least wait until the ten minute mark before the red stuff rolls.

Sansa, because she’s Sansa and is now the dumbest remaining member of House Stark, asks why Petyr had him killed to which he explains that this was all part of his plan to get her back to Winterfell. And Dontos is an idiot.

Flash to Margaery and Olenna Tyrell discussing Joffery’s death. Neither seem all that broken up. No one is shocked.

Cut to Joffery’s dead body, where we find Cersei, Tywin, and Tommen (that’s the kid’s name? Tommen?) are mourning his death. Well, two out of the three are. Tywin is quizzing Tommen (seriously, I’m going to have to remember Tommen? I can’t even remember how to spell Princess Cleavage’s name half the time. That’s Margaery, btw.) about what kind of king he will be, what with him being king now and all because his father and now brother are toast. Ah, good old conniving Tywin. Getting all the power without the responsibility. Your grandson isn’t even cold and you’re already climbing the ranks of the most reviled characters in Westeros. Who am I kidding, you were already high on the list. He’s already got his hooks in deep in Tommen, which Cersei doesn’t seem to really give a shit. She’s still convinced Tyrion killed Joff and demands Golden Hand Jaime kill him, which he appears nonplussed about. And now they’re making out by the corpse of their dead son and, apparently, Jaime takes exception to the fact that Cersei thinks that a crypt is not a great place to try to get another incestuous.

Arya and the Hound! Yes! Back to the awesome buddy comedy. They are come across by a farming family who, after some smoothing talking by Arya, are invited to dinner and eventually a job. The job offer is met with an agreement and a swift kick in the dick, followed by the Hound stealing the guys silver. Salt of the earth.

Meanwhile, at Dragonstone, Stannis receives word about Joffery’s death and promptly asks what Davos has done to help him strengthen his claim to the Iron Throne, to which he responds that he hasn’t really done much. He then uses his reading lessons with Stannis’ daughter to write a letter to try to get money for the cause. I think.

Sam and Gilly (that’s her name? How in the hell am I going to keep this shit straight?) arrive in Castle Black just to leave it for the next town because the other brothers of the Night’s Watch still hate Sam because he’s Sam. Also, they don’t believe that he was able to kill one of the White Walkers with the glass arrowhead thingy. Gilly, much like Shae previously with Tyrion, is less than pleased leaving Sam because…um…I actually have no idea.

Back to King’s Landing, where Oberyn Martell and Elleria Sand are humping everything, as they do. Oberyn waxes poetic about the lucky growing old before Tywin bursts in, prompting a series of questions regarding Joffery’s death. Oberyn is a master of poisons because of course he is. Tywin accuses Oberyn of conspiring in the poisoning, Oberyn accuses Tywin of ordering the murder of Joffery. Oberyn wants to speak the Mountain, in regards to said sister slaying. Tywin wants Oberyn to serve on the panel of judges for Tyrion’s trial…and a place on the Small Council…and other stuff to help bring the Seven Kingdoms together.

Podrick visits Tyrion with no news of Shae and that Tywin, Oberyn, and Mace Tyrell will judge him. Also that Sansa has taken off, which does not help Tyrion’s case.

Quick aside: Podrick is a fucking bad ass. First, he fucks so well that prostitutes give him a refund, then he denies being KNIGHTED for lying about Tyrion. In a world full douchebags, he is one of the good ones. He’s got to be the next to die.

Quick bits: WILDLINGS ATTACK BECAUSE REASONS!!! Night’s Watch are screwed, new Daario is still a bad ass, and Daenrys may have just won another city population of slaves because of barrels of collars.

 

Much more subdued than last weeks, but still a fine episode. This may be the best season thus far. Guys, what do you think? Let me know in the comments. See you again next week!