Spoilers

Sorry for the delay. Life can be a bitch.

The episode opens with Ramsey hunting a girl, because of course he hunts people, before siccing his hunting hounds on her wounded body. Sick freak. (I actually kinda like Ramsey.)  And Theon (or Reek as he is affectionately known as now) is plodding along after them, watching this girl be disemboweled. Shockingly, that’s probably not the worst thing he’s been through this week, so he’s got that going for him.

Ah, Tyrion. Back to drinking your weight in wine while your brother watches. It’s just like season 1 all over again! Jamie continues to sulk about his FUCKING GOLDEN HAND, prompting Tyrion to tell him to shut the hell up and to start training with Bronn in a secluded area. Sweet, this could actually make Jaime interesting again. Hell, this may become the best pairing this season. Ball’s in your court Hound/Aria.

Roose Bolton, the guy that stabbed Robb at the Red Wedding, returns home to find his bastard (the above mentioned sick puppy Ramsey) has broken his one real bargaining chip in Theon. Roose berates Ramsey, leading him to demonstrate just how broken Theon is. “Reek” admits that he lied about killing Bran and Riccon Stark and that they’re probably still running around in the North, making Roose’s claim to said North only slightly stronger than anyone elses because the people will rally around them. Roose unleashes the other sick puppy, Locke, under his command to hunt and kill them for good before sending Ramsey to face Theon’s father’s men in an attempt to take land. Man, these Boltons are great people. Real salt of the earth. Or salt in the wound. Something like that.

Meanwhile, in King’s Landing, the festivities continue to ramp up in preparation for the Royal Wedding. Lord Varys (HEY! He’s not dead yet! How in the world has pulled that off?) shows up to tell Tyrion what he already knows: Shae is probably going to die, leading him to continue to try to scheme her out of King’s Landing, even if she doesn’t want to.

Joffery is presented with wedding gifts: a GIANT golden goblet from Margorie Tyrell’s father, a book recounting the stories of four previous kings (which prompts a very un-Joffery like response of…gratitude…I feel weird even writing that.), and the other sword that Tywin had forged. Wait…wait…THERE’S JOFFERY, cutting up  the book with the sword he dubs Widow’s Wail before remarking that “it’ll be like cutting off Ned Stark’s head all over again” right to Sansa. Seriously Joff, you had me worried. Don’t go changing on me, you little scamp.

Tyrion is brooding. What is a man to do? His gift was used as target practice, his wife is sadder than Jon Snow(hard to believe, I know, but I promise you she is), and his mistresses head is on the chopping block. Literally. Shae enters his chamber, oblivious to the fact that Westeros is, in fact, NOT part of the Disney kingdom and no amount of love or good feelings will solve it’s ills. Tyrion tries to subtly hint that she should get out of town (again) before just kicking her out, leaving her in tears and him brooding. Again. Brooding Tyrion = best Tyrion.

And right into sacrificial burnings by crazy witch lady Melisandre. Among the men burned at the stake so that she can appease the Lord of Light (relevant) is Stannis’ brother-in-law, which apparently doesnt’ phase Stannis’ wife. Because why would seeing your brother burned alive on the orders of the woman that humped your husband and birthed a demonic smoke creature be an issue? Let’s go eat!

Lady Baratheon than decides that it would be great dinner conversation to shit all over their daughter, the only child that she’s been able to actually birth and has been rewarded with being born with scales on her face and locked away. She claims that she’s sinful and sullen and needs to be beaten (The beatings will continue until morale improves!). Surprisingly, Stannis is not keen on the idea of beating a child because she’s sad, but Melisandre gets an idea and visits the girl…awesome…what could possibly go wrong?

To the North! Bran is warging (Is that the term? To warg? I know he is a warg, but is there another way to say that he takes over a creature rather than possession or “seeing through their eyes”? If not, that’ll be what I use) around because it’s awesome, before being told that warging is dangerous because he could forget to be human (relevant). He is then taken on a tree induced acid trip and told to journey further north. You know, where the zombie things are that eat people. Yes. What a good idea.

Ah, the royal wedding is upon us and it…well…awkward. Awkward conversations between Tyrion and Bronn about Shae, awkward conversation between Tywin and Olenna Tyrell about money, awkward conversation between Jaime and Loras Tyrell about how Cersei will kill him if they got married, actually not that awkward announcement about the leftovers of the feast going to the poor by Margorie in her first act as Queen, awkward conversation between Brienne and Cersei about how hunky Jaime is, awkward encounter between Maester Pycell and a servant, awkward conversation between Pycell and Cersei where Cersei tells Pycell to give the leftovers to the dogs, awkward moment where Pycell pretty much says “Bitch, you ain’t the Queen!” which Cersei does not appreciate. All kinds of awkward. And then, midgets. Midgets dressed as the other participants in the Five King War. Sure, why not.

Wait…what…no…no, it can’t be that easy. Joffery is dead?!?! POISONED? Ho…ly…SHIT. At least it was cathartic.

 

Another hell of an episode. Again, sorry for the delay. Feel free to berate me in the comments. Also, where do you think the show will go now that he’s gone? Throw those thoughts in the comments as well.